Hmmm, I dunno if I have told someone about this before or not, but well … so I think most of you know I kinda dislike and dispise some things about my family, and of course I am not a good family member.
So, on March 2020, my granpa passed away. Before that, he was on the hospital for one or two weeks, then he was home again after that since he said he wanted to go home. He was forgetting things and cannot do anything by himself, it was even hard for him to stand up—I think some of you know if I said "old people things".
Anyway, I did not help much when he was sick since I kinda … um … bad at communicating with my family, especially if with my grandpa who was forgetting things. He keep saying he wanted to get up so asked people for help, and my mom sometimes told me to watch over him and just pretend I did not have any strength to pull him up. That was the only thing I could do for him. And, well, of course I also visited him on the hospital when my mom asked me to come with her. That all.
I cannot say I was that close with my grandpa for the last ten years, but he sometimes took me with his bicycle to the convenient store when I was little. Anyway, I do not think as a good granddaughter for him. But, well, funnily, most of my aunties and uncles said that I was his favourite and he love me the most. I think that's not the case. He still remember me and my siblings even if he forgetting things, yeah. But that was because we lived in the same house.
Sometines I feel sad when people said my grandpa loves me the most because I do not think I did enough for him. My mom did most of the things for him.
Was I sad? At first, I just feel it was strange that the person I saw everyday on my living room suddenly was not going to be there anymore. I … feel … powerless?? He was not there anymore, and then what? I keep continuing my life? How should I feel? I did not know if this is sadness or just me feeling strange that someone can just go like that.
Worse, I was even think it was better if pass away when he could not do anything by himself. Not because I hate him or feel taking care was annoying—I only watch and did mot do anything, you know? I just … think it was better for him, and my parents. But, well, if only he could be healthy and move freely again, of course I prefer that. But that was mot how the world works. People obviously knew his time would be over soon. And suddenly, he was just … not there anymore.
… Hhh, it was strange, it was only 2 years and now I had already forget how it was before he was starting to forget things, or when was it begin.
So, am I sad? Rather than sad, maybe I just feel strange after all. Why is this world working like this? I do not want to face that kind of experience anymore if I can.
I just hate how my grandpa's death made me realize people could just go from this world without any words one day.
